Waving is both an important and versatile form of communication. The speed and enthusiasm behind a wave is often an indication of how glad, or not, someone is to see you. It can put a smile on your face or leave you wondering, when your wave isn’t returned, if you just waved to a complete stranger. Either way, wave-training begins at a young age and is an integral part of the developmental process. As we all know, little children are frequently prompted to wave “bye-bye.” This not only adds to their cuteness, but also gives grown-ups the opportunity to keep their “baby talk” and waving skills up to date. Older children, on the other hand, are given the option of grunting “Good bye” or offering a dismissive wave of the hand. Waving, en masse, is also an acceptable form of communication. For example, at baseball games, it is not uncommon for thousands of people, who would otherwise completely ignore each other, be seen undulating together in the wind across rows and rows of seats. This tidal wave of appreciation is meant to cheer on the players and create feelings of goodwill amongst mankind. Of course the goodwill only lasts until it’s time to get out of the parking lot, but we’ll take what we can get. Waving, though, is not simply meant for the plebian. In some countries waving can even take on a regal air. The “Queen’s wave” is so well known that even young children recognize it. Unfortunately as times have changed, a wave is no longer just a wave. As times have changed, the wave has become a skill necessary for survival – at least when it comes to navigating a public restroom.
In the last ten years public restrooms have become a technological nightmare. They no longer offer the golden opportunity to turn knobs, depress levers or push buttons. Instead, waving one’s hands in all different directions is now required to rid oneself of any newly acquired germs. Unlike the previously mentioned waves, we are now talking about waving on whole new level. This new form of “wave-warfare,” is causing animosity between citizens and resulting in an increase in blood pressure levels across America. Let me take you on a tour of your highway restroom.
We’ll start with the soap. Automatic soap dispensers are found in one of two places. The more common location is attached to the wall. The advantage of this is the clarity where one must position their hand for the wave (under the dispenser). The disadvantage is that if you wave your hand a little too far to the left or a little too far to the right, the soap plops down on the counter before you have a chance to get you hand back in place. If there is a small pile of pink soap already coagulating on the counter, you know you’re in good company. Now, the other type of soap dispenser looks more like a small faucet jutting out over the side of the sink. Because of its curve, the positioning of one’s hand is a bit of a challenge. Due to this “gray-area” it is not uncommon to end up with the soap landing anywhere from one’s fingertips all the up to one’s forearm. The advantage of this is that you can pretty much give yourself a sponge bath when all you were hoping for was clean hands. Now that you’re all lathered up, the next logical step is water.
At this next stage, depending on the luck of the draw, you might find yourself scalded. This is due to the temperature at which the water is set. I don’t really understand how, despite rest stops functioning as a public service, the water could be so hot, but it is (at least sometimes). On top of this the water comes out in a trickle. Now you have to make a decision. Stay covered in soap or first degree burn? I’ll let you decide. You’d probably be better off walking away it all and admitting defeat. However, we all know where your next stop will be, so let’s go. The drying station.
This is where real decisions have to be made since the potential for public embarrassment is at an all-time high. The first decision you have to make is whether you want to destroy a few trees or put your hands under one of those dryers that not only sounds like you’re about to orbit into space, but also makes your hands resemble those of an alien. If you are from those who have just scalded your hands, I suggest destroying a few trees. Now, this is not as easy as it seems. In fact, this is the event that truly “separates the men from the boys.” First of all, on some paper towel dispensers you wave your hands in the front while on others you wave underneath. Second of all, regardless of how frantic your waving gets, the machine might decide it doesn’t like you. Therefore, it will refuse to release the paper towel. Now, if you had remained calm through all of this, you would probably realize that all the waving had resulted in your hands being air-dried. Unfortunately, due to the fact that there are ten people waiting behind you who have all watched you wave you’re hands around like a madman you can no longer think logically. This is why (admit it) you surreptitiously push the button on the machine where it tells you “don’t touch the machine.” This being your last resort, other than giving the machine a good whack, results in one pathetic, lone sheet of paper. (It’s really the equivalent of the dispenser sticking its tongue at you.) Just as you step aside to tell the person behind you that the machine isn’t working, the next person in line gives a quick, magical wave of her hand, thus releasing three beautiful medium-sized sheets of perfectly perforated paper. She tears them off in a single sweeping motion, flips her pony tail and (before you can trip her) walks off in a cloud of glory. As you slink out of the restroom wiping the remaining droplets of water onto your skirt, you pop a valium and think back to the days when a wave was just a wave.